Hotdog Ed vs the Pork: LSU at ARK by the Numbers
With a defense holier than the Pope and a QB Carousel that even Silver Dollar City hasn’t seen (RIP Grandpa, he made those horses), it’s no surprise that LSU came into this week as underdogs to Arkansas in Fayetteville. Hogs were 3-point favorites when the lines opened Sunday, and while the line has switched as of Tuesday night to LSU -2, there isn’t an unbiased fan in college football who thinks the Tigers will win in Fayetteville. So how did we get here, and how do the Hogs cover against hotdog head Ed and the boys? I stepped back and took a look at both teams and this is what I came up with:
COACHING: We know where I’m going with this. Ed Orgeron was a coach to revere in 2019, leading his Tigers to an undefeated season and a win in the National Championship. With WR coach Joe Brady being an evil genius for LSWHo and Potato Morris hiring a bunch of high school PE teachers on his staff for Arkansas, it’s clear that coaching was an obvious difference between these two squads going into last year when the Baton Rouge Sausage-heads were favored 41 points. Since, Brady took an OC job in Carolina and the Spud Doctor Supreme has been sent to the Shadow Realm to be Malzahn’s ball boy at Auburn. As a result, the coaching in BOTH institutions is drastically different. Sam Pittman has his players in a different mindset, and Big D Barry has the defense playing like the opposing team committed war crimes. Coach O has his team playing like Muschamp’s draft dodging squad in South Carolina. That’ll play a role in how both teams come out, considering Morris told journalists last season that the Hogs did not have the talent to beat Western Kentucky and they believed them, while laying down and letting the Hilltoppers give it to em 45–19.
QUARTERBACK STABILITY: As a Hog fan being eternally cursed to endure mediocrity and heartbreak, I can confirm that a lack of stability at the QB position can ruin a seemingly decent football team. In 2019, Arkansas had 5 total QB’s start for them. The year before, they had three. They went a combined 4–20 those seasons. LSU has had 3 QB’s start for them this season, and only one of them seems legit thus far. Miles Brennan started the first 3 games this season, completing 60% of his passes with 11 TD/3 INT. He lead the Tigers to a 1–2 record before catching the injury bug, and now he is more than likely out for the season. The other two QB’s played decently against a bad South Carolina but completely shit the bed against a weak Auburn team that definitely did not beat Arkansas (don’t fact check that it’s all fake this is an episode of Black Mirror now). On the other side, Feleipe Franks has been magic this year and I won’t even embarrass LSWho fans with the amazing stats he’s put up and what he will put up on that sorry ass team. My last blog covers the trajectory his nutsack will hang if you’re interested.
COACHING LOOKS: Another very obvious difference: Sam Pittman is a dude. He looks like a dude, very clean and very attractive. Beefy, but only somewhat. What I like a football coach to look like. Hair like a silver fox, and a torso only the finest women could appreciate. Definitely throw a few drool emojis when I watch his press conferences. Ed Orgeron on the other hand is a direct descendant of the Thumb People from Spy-Kids. Just a very cooked man, why does he feel the need to be sunburnt 24/7? I love the determination but Melanoma is very serious and can kill people. I pray for this man and his (broken) family and I’m not even Christian. If his ex-wife is reading this: Send me a DM. I am not a thumb nor do I have any sort of fetish pertaining to sunlight or pork sausages.
This game should be decent. The Razorbacks haven’t blown anyone out this season and I don’t expect them to on Saturday, however it won’t be as close as Mississippi State. It’ll be by a couple scores, and my final prediction is a 31–14 win for the Hogs. While it’ll be the thumb people entering the stadium Saturday morning, those same people will be leaving with a thumb straight up their asses. Go Hogs.