TCU cancels Texas Bowl due to viral Chicken Shit outbreak
On December 29th, two days before the highly anticipated Texas Bowl between TCU and Arkansas, one of the teams unfortunately had to call it quits due to a non-COVID related outbreak in the locker room.
According to my source, a player on said team, the TCU Horned Frogs (mascot literally translates to ‘sexually aroused amphibians’) had a sudden outbreak of Chicken Shit Tuesday morning. This virus isn’t usually fatal, but in this instance the players were so down bad with Chicken Shit they simply could not go on with practice.
“We came to the field like a normal Tuesday, did our warm ups and whatnot,” the player, who will remain anonymous, told me last night while gripping onto his doctor-prescribed teddy bear, “ And out of no where, it just hit us all at once. There wasn’t a player I saw that didn’t have Chicken Shit. We started getting the shakes, some players were throwing up and bawling on the locker room floor. Even [head coach] Patterson was showing early signs of Chicken Shit.. He kept pacing in his office mumbling ‘41–38’ over and over in between his whimpers. There was no way we’d compete with Arkansas with this bout of Chicken Shit, so we backed out and immediately sought medical assistance.”
Due to the embarrassing symptoms and timeline of the Chicken Shit outbreak, TCU Athletic Director Jeremiah Donati issued a blanket statement Tuesday afternoon citing COVID, injuries, and other issues causing the team to cancel their trip. I actually only started investigating the issue because I figured Donati was suffering from a case of BBS (Blanket Bullshit Syndrome) that a lot of teams have to deal with when they get put in bowls they believe they’re better than. However, after digging deep, only then did I uncover the true horror that was Chicken Shit in the Horny Toad football program.
“Most of the players are making a full recovery,” my source said. “We’ve got our teddy bears, our warm milk, and our ‘6–4 champs’ pajamas. So, I’d say by next week we’ll all be able to go out in public and live our lives again. Chicken Shit ain’t no joke, though.”